Parenting styles…
Wednesday, May 31st, 2006*Disclaimer: This is in NO way intended to be a statement of how parenting should be. It is simply my own person thoughts, feelings and opinions. If you disagree I do not necessarily think you are wrong. Please do not read offence in where none is intended. Thank you!
There is an ongoing discussion on xanga about parenting. Boundaries, rules, how involved should a parent be in kids decisions, that sort of thing. I think Julie says it well when she said this "My kids have few other boundaries set by me because they are capable of discovering them for themselves". When a child discoveres a boundary for themself, there is no cause for rebellion. No fighting with mom or dad about it, no anger, frustration, attitude. It's a discovery about themselves, for themselves and the acknowledgement of it is something that allows them to formulate habits that are healthy for them. Children do learn boundaries. They will learn to eat well, to go to bed when they're tired, to make wise decisions. Notice I said they will learn it, for it is taught. One definition of "taught" is "To cause to learn by example or experience". Young children learn a lot by example and experience. I would go so far as to say thats wholly how young children learn. They learn to talk, walk, feed themselves, by mimmicking the adults in their life. Many children are allowed to learn to use the potty just by copying mommy or daddy, that has become a very popular and practical (not to mention stress free) potty earning style!
I firmly believe that given the opportunity, children will continue to learn from watching their parents. Good habits are not taught, they're caught. When we allow our children the freedom to catch good habits, we release ourselves, and them, from so much stress. Yes, we leave them open to mistakes. Unfortunately protecting children from their mistakes is a harmful practice that too many parents participate in to the detriment of their young ones. While we won't sit back and watch our children fall into a mistake too big for their age, neither will be restrict them to the point of never having the opportunity to learn from them.
What seems to be a common mistake is the belief that we teach our children that their inner voice is the MOST important one they will hear. Clearly I can't speak for everyone, but in my home thats just not how it is. It is very important to me that they hear that voice that says "I'm hungry" "I'm tired" "I'm uncomfortable with this person" "I need to get away from this situation". It is just as important to me that they respect other peoples needs. As parents, we have needs. If we hide them from our children we remove from them the opportunity to learn that. My children are quite aware that I have needs. Quiet time alone each day. Help with the dishes. Time to work on my writing without someone talking incessantly at me. Nothing major, and nothing they can't provide. Needs that are beyond their ability to deal with are kept private until such time as they "need to know'.
In our house, bedtime is when you're tired. That doesn't mean you can be racing through the house at 2 am! I'm a night owl, but by 10 pm I'm ready for some quiet. Thats a need I have, and just like everyone else, my needs are to be respected. So the house quiets down around that time for the most part and kids roam off to read, do a puzzle, watch a movie, whatever their hearts desire within the realm of reasonably quiet. There are exceptions, I'm not an ogre, but overall thats how it goes. the nights that hubbie comes home at 10 tend to settle down a little later. 
Children learn quite young to know when they're tired, providing they're given guidance without strict rules. James has never had a bedtime that was set by the clock, yet at 4 yrs old he's more often than not coming and telling me he wants to go to bed, or curling up in my arms and falling asleep. He's learning to recognize when his body signals it needs sleep and is more than willing to give it what it needs. I haven't seen him fight sleep for quite some time now, to him it's not something to fight it's something he's learned he needs and it makes him feel better when he has it. He is learning to not only listen to his body and meet his need for sleep, but he's also learning to meet my needs by giving me space when I need it. Little children can learn so MUCH more than we give them credit for.
Freedom. Freedom isn't free. Freedom comes with cost. With responsability. I wish for my children to learn this early on. I see so many children turning 18 and suddenly drunk on freedom. They don't know quite what to do with it. Suddenly no one is telling them when to go to bed, what to eat, when to eat, what to wear - they can't cope with this freedom and too many of them land themselves into trouble trying. What I wish for my children is that they understand the responsability of freedom before the hazards of being on their own are upon them. Now, I'm not saying every parent must do it *my way* to get these results. Not at all. But this is how we choose to do it and its working well for us. My eldest is 17. He goes to bed earlier when he needs to get up in the morning. He often feeds his siblings and myself without being asked. His chores, such as they are, are often done before I get a chance to ask him to do them. He's the proof of the pudding. My next child is 13 and is often known to catch on to my frustration and come taking the youngest children away to give me some space to recoup. She frequently does her own laundry, without being asked. They're kids with servants hearts, just what I wanted for them. They're learned to listen to and fulfil their own needs, giving them time and energy to devote to others. Perfect? Absolutely not. They frustrate me just like anyones kids. Some days I throw my hands in the air and wonder what on EARTH I was thinking to become a mother. But they're free to make their decisions, and it's good ones they make. I am blessed. Truly blessed. I firmly believe that allowing my kids to grow up free to discover their own needs and limitations is to enable them to have a strength within themselves that allows them to be less self centered and more focused on the world around them. They are tuned to their bodies and can naturally give themselves what they need without much thought, leaving their time and attention for those around who need their love and consideration.
